Sad Lisa
by LoveleeInHerBones
Summary: ...Jackson/April... He missed the little things, the subtle things really. So many things that he didn't even know he appreciated, cherished, loved, until she was gone. Jackson Avery never thought it was possible to miss someone so much, but it turns out he really didn't know what he had until it was gone. But now he will stop at nothing to get her back.
1. Part 1

**Hello! I started this story ages ago and never got around to finishing it. But due to recent events, I was struck by inspiration and decided to try and finish it. To say I am disappointed in the show is a huge** **understatement, but I'll leave my rant until the end of the chapter.**

 **Now, without further ado, I give you Japril, the way they deserve...**

* * *

She hangs her head and cries on my shirt.

She must be hurt very badly.

Tell me what's making you sad, Li?

Open your door, don't hide in the dark.

You're lost in the dark, you can trust me.

'Cause you know that's how it must be.

~Cat Stevens

 _..._

As the clock, which hung on the plain wall, ticked closer to midnight, Catherine Avery tried her best to suppress a yawn. As a surgeon she was used to keeping ungodly hours, but she found as she got older it was harder and harder to maintain her rigorous schedule like she once did. Her once youthful self would laugh at the follies brought by age.

Looking down, she found her coffee cold in the mug she had pilfered from the Attending's Lounge hours ago. Caffeine was a necessity of life for a surgeon and as it seems, a business woman as well. Ruefully, glancing again at the clock, she decided that a break wouldn't be uncalled for. After all, she had been cooped up in the empty conference room all day doing tedious paperwork. She should really talk to Bailey and see about getting herself a proper office here at Grey-Sloan as she found herself spending more and more time at the hospital.

Putting down her pen, Catherine was about to get to her feet when the door to the conference room was opened abruptly and closed quickly in the same manner.

Shocking was the only way to describe the appearance of her daughter in-law, or _ex_ daughter in-law she corrected herself, remembering that today was D-Day, the day of the divorce.

For the first time in living memory, Catherine felt no pleasure in being right. She had warned them right from the start that their union was doomed, but her son was just as stubborn as she was, and April was what he wanted and nothing was going to stop him from being married to her.

Now, looking at where they are, just a couple of years later, these kids are right where she feared they would be. On opposite sides of a table, devastated and hurt. And judging by the look of April she was not doing well at all. Standing before her, drenched to the skin, clothes hanging off her frail body, stringy red hair stuck to her gaunt, pale cheeks, and a look of absolute nothingness in her red rimmed hazel eyes.

Catherine tried hard to dredge up even a smidgen of anger toward this woman who had hurt and abandoned her baby, but all she could feel was sadness and concern for this girl whom she had always had a soft spot for, even before she was her daughter in-law.

She remembered the first time she met April Kepner all those years ago at Mercy West Medical Center, at the start of her residency. The then brunette April had approached her in the restroom of all places and she was actually surprised and impressed that the girl had the gall to come up to her and that she had read all of her published papers and was genuinely excited to meet her. _And yes,_ she knew she was Jackson's mother, she found out by accident she had explained, _but don't worry_ , she wouldn't say a word to anyone. And she never did. Catherine never understood why it was so important to Jackson that no one know she was his mother but she never let on during that first visit and neither did April, which bumped the girl up in her esteem and even prompted her to send her a friend request on Facebook.

Sadness welled like a bubble in her throat as she looked at that girl now. Prompted by the heartbreaking sight before her Catherine didn't hesitate to go to April and wrap her hands around her thin shoulders.

"April, baby, are you okay? What's wrong?" Catherine asked, concern making her voice soft

"It's over. It's finished," April said and her voice sounded just as dead as her eyes had been.

Catherine pulled back and looked at April's pale, blank face, but she could find nothing in the girl's expression. No hint whatsoever of what she was feeling.

"I know. I'm sorry, baby," Catherine said sincerely, sympathy lacing her voice as her thumbs stroked April's shoulders.

They stood that way for a moment, just two woman, through completely different circumstances, who had both lost their husbands. It was a moment of solidarity.

The moment was broken, however, with a suddenness Catherine wasn't expecting. April gripped her shoulders, her fingers like talons, digging into her flesh harshly, causing the urologist to flinch.

"You have to help me, Catherine, please! You are the only one who can!"

Taken aback, Catherine gently tried to remove April's grasping fingers from her person. Alarmed, she tried to reason with her.

"I'm so sorry, April, you know I can't. Jackson made up his mind, the divorce is final," she said as nicely as possible, trying not upset April further.

 _"I know that,"_ April said harshly in a voice Catherine had never heard the girl use before. It was guttural but also resigned at the same time and totally not what she was expecting.

"Then what do you want me to do, April?" Catherine asked in confusion, taking a step back from her.

April took a deep breath and lifted her head, staring Catherine straight in the eye, and she was shocked and anguished at the pain she finally saw swirling in their depths. There was no denying April was suffering emotionally and physically and Catherine wondered, not for the first time, if Jackson was making the right decision. There was so much love here, that was obvious, even a blind man could see that! Was it really impossible for them to work it out? But Catherine knew her son was the one responsible for the divorce. April tried her hardest, had given her all to save her marriage which she had undoubtedly damaged herself, but Jackson was too hurt and too prideful to take her back.

"I need to disappear,"April said in a quiet voice, answering her question.

Catherine blinked, nonplussed. She wasn't sure she had heard her right.

 _Disappear?_

"What do you mean, baby?" Catherine asked slowly, fearing for April's sanity.

"I need to disappear," April said again, beginning to speak quickly in the trauma surgeon's typical manner. "I can't be _here,_ in the same hospital day after day and _see_ him and not _be_ with him. Or see him _move on..._ that would destroy me. I _need_ to leave! I can't stay here."

April finished her explanation brokenly, her arms coming up to wrap around her torso to comfort herself.

Catherine was speechless for a moment, overwhelmed by April's raw pain.

Clearing her throat, Catherine finally answered her, "Of course, April. We can have you transferred to another hospital in a couple of days, although I wish you would reconsider. I know it's hard right now, but Grey-Sloan is your home. We would miss you here!"

"You don't understand, Catherine. I don't want to just leave, I want to _disappear_ completely. I don't want anyone to be able to find me. I don't want to _be_ April Kepner anymore!"

Catherine was stunned to say the least! April had always been a proud girl, no matter how cruel or mean the people around her often were. She was resilient and forgiving, even when, in Catherine's opinion, the other person didn't deserve it. This seems completely out of character from the April she knew.

"You don't mean that, baby! Give it a couple of weeks, it gets easi-"

 _"No._ It won't. I _love_ Jackson, Catherine. _So much,_ I can't even explain the feelings I have for him! They are so singular and passionate, sometimes I'm not sure how my body can contain them! He is _everything_ to me! Leaving was probably the most stupid thing I have ever done in my life and I regret it, every moment of everyday! Now that I'm not blinded by my own pain I can see properly now, and Jackson's happiness is what is most important. The divorce made him happy, so I gave it to him. But I can't stay here and _watch_ him! To be on periphery of his life and not _in_ it! To see someone else take my place, I can't _endure_ that type of torture! So please, find it in your heart and do this for me, _please!"_

Catherine felt like she had been nailed to floor. Each of April's anguished, pain filled words pierced her skin and stuck her firmly to the ground. Grief so deep, like a well, opened up inside her, and she wept internally for her baby and for this girl standing before her. How could she say no in the face of such desperation?

"I'll help you."

...

* * *

...

Jackson tried hard to keep his eyes open as he settled onto his couch in his new apartment, beer in hand. Tiredness weighed him down as he tried to make himself comfortable. Being on your feet all day was par for the course for being a surgeon, but six surgeries, four consults, and Foundation paperwork seemed inordinately taxing, even for someone who prided himself on his stamina.

Rubbing his eyes with his free hand, he contemplated the pile of mail he had sitting on his coffee table, the majority probably having to do with the Foundation.

Instead of reading boring documents which were sure to put him to sleep, Jackson thought over his day. It went better than he thought. He hadn't seen April once and for that he could only be thankful. The day after a divorce, a spouse should not be forced to see their former wife, but those were the hazards of marrying a colleague, he supposed. Though, April was much more than a colleague and she always had been. She had been his best friend long before she had become his lover or wife. He missed that. The effortlessness of their friendship. He had never had a friend like her before. Loyal, unpresumptuous, supportive, and caring to a fault. He didn't believe she was for real at first. All his friends before had wanted something from him. Whether it be money, notoriety, or a good word put in for them to his influential grandfather.

April wanted nothing, in fact, he was the one who constantly took from her. Her nurturing, her intelligence, her brightness, her _virginity._ He supposed he took her for granted, because when she wasn't there, there was a definite hole in his life. Like now. He had been living with the silence for a long time now, but he had never gotten used to it. Even now, he expected to hear her bustle through the door, nevermind she has never been to this apartment before, and ask him how his day went and if he would like some Turkey Casserole for dinner.

Longing stole through his body like an unwanted intruder, stealing his breath and making him doubt, again, if he made the right choice.

 _Of course!_ His brain shouted. Of course he had.

She had left him with no other option. She had abandoned him, just like everyone else in his life. _She_ was suppose to be different. April, whom he regarded higher than anybody else had fallen off her pedestal. He couldn't allow her to hurt him again. No matter how much he missed her. Even if it felt like there was a gaping hole in his chest, that got wider everyday and no amount of stitches could keep closed.

Taking a large gulp of his beer, he chased away his dangerous thoughts, which were pointless anyway. It was done. He was divorced. He wasn't a husband anymore and he no longer had a wife.

Pretending that his eyes weren't burning dangerously with the threat of tears at that thought, Jackson groped randomly for an envelope on the table, uncaring of what he grabbed as long as it took his mind off of April.

An unfamiliar blue envelope found its way into his hand, smaller than the customary legal sized ones he usually received. Flipping it over he immediately recognized the small neat writing spelling his name on the back of it.

Blowing out an annoyed breath, Jackson debated reading whatever April wrote, wanting nothing more than to get her off his mind.

Rolling his eyes, he decided to just open the letter, resigned to get it over with. Despite himself, he found himself smirking slightly at the fact that she sent him a letter instead of an e-mail. It was so _April._

 _Jackson,_

 _I know the last thing you want is to hear from me, but I hope you will make an exception this one time._

 _The first thing I want to do is apologize properly. I never should have left and I know it's too little too late but I am sorry, so deeply sorry. I was selfish and I live with the regret of my actions everyday. I don't expect forgiveness but I just needed you to know. The pain I callously inflicted on you is unforgivable and I was able to see that after I finally found a way to live with my own pain._

 _The thing is Jackson, I love you. You are the only man I have ever loved and the only one I ever will love. But I see that my presence in your life causes you pain and I can't stand that. One thing I have learned is that if you love someone, their happiness is more important than your own. I just can't stand by and watch you fall in love with someone else. That would destroy me. So, my love, (you are still my love, even if I'm not yours any longer) I am leaving again. Except this time I am not coming back. I hope this will make you happy. You will never have to worry about seeing me or speaking to me again. I am relieving you of that burden. You are free, Jackson. I just wanted you to know and to say goodbye, one last time._

 _You are an amazing man, Jackson, and a brilliant surgeon. I was lucky to be your friend and even more privileged to be your wife. I will cherish my memories forever, for you were the very best of my life. You and our precious son._

 _Have a very wonderful life, Jackson. That's all I can hope for you._

 _Love Always,_

 _April_

There was screaming in his head. It was deafening and completely engulfing every other thought.

No. No. _No. NO._

This was _not_ what he wanted. _NO!_ She was still supposed to be _here._ She wasn't supposed to leave him, _again._

Jackson couldn't seem to get enough air into his lungs. He felt like he was drowning, clinging to a thin piece of paper that was his only link to her.

Gasping, he had only one thought left in his head, repeated over and over again.

 _She left me again. She left me again. She left me again._

 _..._

* * *

 **As I said above, I am so upset with the way the show is going, though I haven't watched** **regularly for a few years now. I always thought Jackson and April belonged together and was so utterly disappointed when I heard the show was going in a different direction. It is such a waste, Jesse and Sarah have such amazing chemistry and I had to suffer through how many episodes of Owen and Amelia, who had ZERO and were honestly painful to watch!? And now THIS?! Through the years I have often thought that way April's character was treated was mean and uncalled for. The amount of screen time and compassion every other character got was a heck of a lot more than what she did!** **In essence, they gave her no dignity. And now, she will never get her happy ending. I know real life doesn't come with them but this is fictionalized entertainment, if I wanted real life I would watch the news!**

 **So this story is one of the possible ways I hoped/wanted Jackson and April's story to go. To me, their love was NOT fleeting like all others on the show. Their's was unalterable and deserved way better story-lines (for what little screen time they were given!) than what they got!**

 **Thank-you for reading!**


	2. Part 2

**Here is the second part of the story! I only intend for it to be about four chapters long.**

 **Please Enjoy!**

* * *

Her eyes like windows, trickle in rain

Upon the pain getting deeper.

Though my love wants to relieve her.

She walks alone from wall to wall.

Lost in her hall, she can't hear me.

Though I know she likes to be near me.

~Cat Stevens

...

Jackson Avery felt like a zombie. Dead inside, but moving, nonetheless. He functioned as an emotionless automaton, going through the motions of everyday, eyes soulless over the bruise like bags underneath them.

Nobody had the gall to approach him, not since that first day when Alex Karev had thoughtlessly asked him if he wanted to go out for drinks to celebrate his freedom from the Red Haired Bitch. Jackson didn't even remember throwing the first punch, he just remembered finding himself sitting on top of his so-called friend, wailing on his face with his million dollar hands, over and over again. It took the combined effort of Hunt, Ben, and DeLuca to pull him off the Peds surgeon. Ever since then, no one has had the nerve to bring up her name or even so much as to make an allusion to her in his presence.

It was only later, when he had more time for self reflection, that he realized he didn't do one of the most important things he was suppose to do in a marriage, actually _listen_ to his partner, even to the words she didn't say. She was silently crying out for help, and he _didn't_ listen. _Him,_ who knew April best had thought her cold, selfish, and inconsiderate. He was such an idiot. His April had only ever faced problems alone and had no idea how to ask for help, probably assumed that he wouldn't want to give it to her. He should have _seen_ that and helped her and protected her from herself. But no. He had sat and judged her, leaving her to do what she did best when she was hurt and afraid. She ran and he never came after her, letting history repeat itself. When would they ever learn? Why couldn't they just _talk_?

Their whole relationship was a failure in communication. He thought love would solve all their problems, that that had been the flaw the first time their ineptitude had brought it all crashing down around them. But he had been _so_ wrong. There was so much more to succeeding in a relationship than love. It was the strongest foundation surely, but the structure was built out of so many other things. Respect, honesty, compassion, safety, and _trust._

Had April ever trusted him? Had he ever given her a _reason_ to ever trust him?

It was hard to admit, even to himself, but _no._ He could be just as cruel to her as any of their friends. Looking back now he feels nothing but shame. How could he treat the person he loved most in the world that way? Why had he done it? There was no easy answer and now he had to deal with the consequences. No April. A life without his person, as Meredith liked to call her. But he couldn't _live_ with that! He might deserve this punishment but he wouldn't accept it. He has always been the selfish one out of the two of them anyway. He won't give up until he has her by his side once again. _Damn_ her heartbreaking letter. He _will_ see her again. As long as he is still breathing he will try.

Taking a gulp of his coffee, while trying to ignore the catch in his throat he got everytime he thought about the letter she left, Jackson tried not wince as the bitter brew made its way down his esophagus. He had never been much of a straight coffee drinker before, but since she left he has found himself unable to drink his usual sugary lattes. Coffee, black, has become his new drink order and it has become as necessary to him as insulin is to a diabetic.

The truth was, Jackson has been unable to sleep properly since the day after his divorce and he has no one to blame but himself.

Alone as usual, Jackson found himself holed up in his office, hunched over his computer, where he was sure to have cast a permanent imprint of his own shape on his chair with the amount of time he spent on it. Ben called him obsessed and maybe he was right. But it wasn't research for surgery he was doing like most people thought. No, he was doing a very different kind of research. He was trying to find _her._

His eyes felt like they were on fire, gritty from lack of sleep and the occasional frustrated tear, but that didn't deter Jackson from his mission in the slightest. No, nothing short of a pandemic could stop him on his search.

He was sure though, if he had a mirror, his eyes would be as red and bloodshot as he suspected, but that was inconsequential. But day in and day out of failure was demoralizing to say the least. Perseverance was harder and harder to maintain, but for _her…_

Sighing roughly, Jackson was about to close his achy eyes in defeat for the day, when the sight of his top investigator's name popped up on his screen causing hope, unbidden, to spring alive in his chest.

Sucking in a surprised gasp, Jackson clumsily navigated his cursor over to open the e-mail hastily, excited for the first time in weeks.

As he read through the report though, that excitement quickly turned into disappointment, then confusion, and then shortly into anger.

The gist of the message was what he feared. Negative. He had been unable to locate her, just like the three other investigators before him. There was simply no trace of April Grace Kepner anywhere.

Rage built up inside of Jackson that he was unable to control. Getting to his feet he blindly stormed over to the wall where his certificates and diplomas hung proudly on display and tore them off their hooks, throwing them to floor in anger.

 _How_ _could she have just disappeared?_

 _How could he not find her?_

Panting, Jackson stood in the center of his destruction, amongst the broken glass and splintered wood, eyes wheeling until they landed on a single photograph. Staring blankly at the one picture he had left of her in his office, he cursed himself internally for removing all keepsakes of his marriage from his office in preparation for his divorce.

It was of the four of them, really. April was in the center standing next to Reed and Charles was standing beside the pixie-haired woman, looking at her rather than the camera. Jackson himself was next to April, arm slung casually across her shoulders as though he had not a care in the world. All four of them had the biggest smiles on their faces, unable to contain their joy at passing their intern exam.

Looking back at her radiant, beaming face Jackson wished with all his might that he could go back to that time and be with her there. Everything was less complicated then, and their friends were still alive. And _she_ would be _there,_ with him. He _hated_ the feeling of being without her. He remembered the time she was in Jordan, all those nights he missed her so much, laying in that big bed with the pillow that he kept that still retained her scent. It comforted him on the those long lonely nights when her absence felt like a sharp, jagged pain in his chest. Back then he at least had the assurance that she would come home eventually, but now he had nothing.

No evidence she had ever been in his life at all except for that picture sitting on his desk and the wedding band he still wore on his finger.

 _Me & You Always _still engraved in the white-gold, close to his skin.

A firm knock jarred him from his reverie. Jackson realized that someone had been persistently tapping at his door, calling his name with concern.

"Everything is okay, Trudy," he called shakily to his matronly administrative assistant on the other side of the door as he gazed around himself, slightly ashamed.

The knocking ceased and silence once again rent the air. It felt suffocating as Jackson collapsed on a nearby chair and put his head between his legs, hands cradling his skull in despair.

It had been over a month. Six weeks, four days and fourteen hours since he found out she was gone. And nothing and nobody had been able to find her and bring her back to him. All the money, clout, and resources in the world hadn't been able to locate her and Jackson was at a loss as to what to do. Giving up never crossed his mind, he didn't think he would ever be able to give up.

He just needed- just needed- a new approach!

 _That's it!_ He needed to start over, with a fresh set of eyes and then he would be sure to find her.

Resolved again, he got to his feet and made his way back over to his desk, navigating through the debris left from his fit of rage that was already forgotten.

As he began to work again, the words he had just read and ignored from his private investigator's e-mail replayed in his head, even as he tried to block them out. But the message was persistent, flashing in his head like an 'Open' sign at a convenience store, unavoidable as the screen before him.

He didn't want to believe it, focusing more on the results of the investigation than what the man was insinuating, but the truth was getting harder and harder to ignore.

 _This can't be a coincidence. Only someone with deep pockets could disappear so completely. You're looking at a professional job. Legally, there is nothing I can do. I'm sorry Mr. Avery, but your wife is gone._

Closing his eyes, Jackson took a couple of deep breaths. That man had to be wrong. April was really smart, she probably figured out how to hide herself all on her own. Because the only person she knew with the kind of money they were talking about besides himself was the one person he didn't want to consider. _Couldn't consider._

Jackson't eyes were pulled from his screen by the sound of the digital lock on his door being opened and he cursed under his breath, when his mother stepped into his office and closed the door behind herself.

Before he could say anything, she had already started to speak.

"Jackson Avery, what are you doing sitting here in the dark like a bat? Do you think you live in a cave?"

Before he could blink, the blinding fluorescent lights were switched on with an audible click as he uselessly squinted his eyes at his mother. He really regretted giving her a pass key for entering his office.

Regret was soon replaced by shame as he heard her gasp in shock. The evidence of his destruction was still strewn about the floor where he left it in the middle of the room.

"Baby, what happened?" she cried urgently as she ran quickly over to his side, arms enveloping him.

"I had a bit of an accident," Jackson replied, voice stilted as he tried to disentangle himself from his mother's smothering arms.

"An accident? With whom? The Tasmanian Devil?" she asked sarcastically as she looked at the mess again with a critical eye.

Jackson gulped in apprehension. A shrewd Catherine Avery was a dangerous Catherine Avery.

"That's not important," Jackson stammered, clearing his throat distractedly. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Trudy called me. Now, do you want to explain what's going on, baby?"

There was no escaping the penetrating gaze of his mother when she zeroed in on him like a heat-seeking missile, so he found himself answering her, much to his surprise.

"Nothing- everything- it's fine. I mean, I'm fine. That is to say, I will be fine. I just don't know... I can't, I can't, I can't breathe, Mom! I feel like I can't breathe! I'm drowning or suffocating and she's _gone,_ just gone! I can't _function!_ I can't eat, I can't sleep, and she's not _here_! She was suppose to be here! I need her _here!_ She's my best friend..."

Jackson was left panting, eyes crazed as he implored his mother to understand even a little bit of how he felt. He couldn't even bring himself to be embarrassed over his total lack of control. He was beyond care or modesty. He was desperate.

"Oh, baby," she said sadly, sweeping him into her arms again. And for once, Jackson didn't fight it. There was something inexplicably comforting about being held by your mother, especially when he was in the deepest of pain. The silly childish notion that she could fix anything floated across his mind for a delusional moment. Catherine Avery had always seemed like a superhero in his mind. She never backed down, she took no prisoners, and was one of the most successful surgeons in the country.

But she was still human. And the thought that ticked in the back of his mind like an old fashioned grandfather clock could no longer be ignored. It tolled the hour of reckoning as Jackson slowly backed out of his mother's familiar arms.

"Mom?' he asked slowly, his gaze drifting up to meet hers.

"What?" she asked, benign curiosity behind her eyes.

"You didn't- Did you help April leave?" Jackson reluctantly asked, keeping his eyes trained on his mother.

He watched carefully as her expression went from one of confusion, flashing briefly to guilt so fast he almost missed it, then to studied bewilderment.

"What do you mean, baby?" she asked, a puzzled expression on her too innocent face.

It was too late though. Jackson had his answer and the feeling of betrayal cut as deeply into him as any knife. His mother had orchestrated this unbelievable pain he was living through now.

 _How could she?_

His own mother...

" _Mom?_ " he asked in disbelief, backing away from her as far as he could go.

"Jackson, I don't know what you are-"

"You helped her didn't you? You took her from me! That's why I haven't been able to find her! _You_ and your meddling! Do you know what you've _done? God,_ I can't believe you! My wife? My _wife?_ She's gone and it's because of _you?_ How could you do this to me?"

"Watch your tone, boy," his mother responded sharply, her face set in a severe frown as she gazed at him.

"I won't watch anything! You! _You_ did this to me!"

"That's _enough!_ I didn't do anything but help that poor girl! _You_ did this! _You_ and nobody else!"

" _I_ did this? I'm sorry, did I provide my wife with the money she needed to disappear off the face of the earth?" Jackson asked, rage colouring his voice, fists clenched in absolute anger. Honestly, the only thing saving her from physical harm was the fact that she was his mother or else he was sure he would have hurt her by now.

"No you fool! You left her with no other option! That poor girl came to me, _desperate!_ I have never seen a more broken person in my life! The state of her broke my heart!"

Jackson closed his eyes and tried to keep the tears from running down his face. It was almost too hard to listen, but he couldn't find the words to tell her to stop so his mother kept on talking.

"She couldn't bare it! She begged me, _begged me_ , to help her leave! She loves you so much you idiot! You were killing her and she couldn't take the pain of seeing you everyday! So _yes!_ I helped her leave! And I would do it again!"

Jackson was stunned. Muted by the desolate picture she painted. It was all too easy to envision the situation she had just described. A situation _he_ had created. _He_ was the architect. _He_ was the builder. But it was easier, so much easier to remain angry at her.

Moments passed where his mother seemed to rein in her fiery emotions and slip back on the mask of the calm business woman Catherine Avery.

"April needed to leave. And as her friend, I helped her. I don't regret that. But you need to find a way to live with it."

With that, she took her leave, leaving Jackson even more heartbroken and despairing than before.

...

* * *

...

Time has lost all meaning for him. The days mean nothing as they pass by. He knows it's been months and it's all he can do to go through the motions of daily life. Nothing means anything to him anymore.

It felt like he was walking through an immense fog, blindly trudging along and hoping to make it out to the clear sky. But that was just wishful thinking. His sunbeam was gone, never to grace his sky or light up his world again it would seem.

He hasn't given up, not by a long shot, but he was being stonewalled by his _mother_ of all people. Jackson hasn't spoken to her directly since that horrid day in his office, preferring to use e-mail or proxies when he absolutely must communicate with her. He holds onto his righteous anger so he doesn't have to examine his own part he played in this.

Some days he thinks he is going crazy, that he might actually be losing his mind. He couldn't function, he couldn't think, he couldn't _breathe_. Maybe it was all a dream. Every moment with her, every smile, hug, pep talk, kiss, argument, make-up, surgery was all something he dreamed up in his head. An elaborate fantasy and he was the idiot trying to find something that doesn't exist.

But she was _real._ Their life together was real. The love he has for her was real. Nothing and no one can take that away. Her mark can be felt everywhere, on the people she loved, on the very hospital itself and most of all on him.

She always said he changed her, but really it was she who changed him. He was not the same person he was before he met her all those years ago. She made him a better friend, a better doctor, a better _man_.

And how did he thank her?

By turning his back on her and divorcing her.

He could not be more disgusted with himself.

So now, he survived on his memories and the happiness they are filled with sustaining him for at least, just another day.

He missed the little things, the subtle things really. The sound of her sweet voice humming as she washed the dishes, nevermind that they had a perfectly good dishwasher to use. The way she would cover his body with a blanket when she found him passed out on their couch or in an on-call room. How she always made sure to pick the capers out of his lunch when they ordered sandwiches from the deli down the street, her kindness and thoughtfulness knowing no bounds. How she would leave him notes on the refrigerator like they were teenagers in high school. In fact he still kept one with him, tucked safely in his wallet, with him at all times. He missed the smell of vanilla and lavender that permeated the air of whatever space she occupied, those scents so quintessentially _her_ it made him ache. He even missed walking in on her rapping to explicit songs on his iPod, blushing adorably when she was caught. He missed that when he was having a bad day she would make him a giant bowl of mashed potatoes to cheer him up, his favorite comfort food. He even missed her habit of lighting candles every time there was a thunderstorm, just in case the power went out. And, _oh,_ how he missed that _maddening,_ sexy way she bit her plump, pink lip, never knowing how that simple action made him _burn_ for her without fail. So many things that he didn't even know he appreciated, cherished, _loved,_ until she was gone.

...

* * *

...

"Avery! There you are! I've been looking for you."

Standing at the crowded nurse's station, Jackson turned at the sound of his name, a polite smile plastered on his face that was almost a grimace. Not that his colleague could tell the difference between his genuine smile and a forced grin. Hunt was oblivious.

"I wanted to let you know, you and me are going on a trip!"

Jackson blinked at the red-haired man, nonplussed.

"No we're not," Jackson told him, turning back to the tablet he was reading, hoping the man would leave him alone with his nonsense.

"Yes we are, Avery!" Hunt said bracingly. "Tomorrow, you and me will be heading to Vancouver for that medical conference I was telling you about the other day."

Jackson tried to think back to the conversation he was referring to, but he honestly couldn't remember. His days passed in a blur now, no differentiating between the tireless monotony. To pick out a single conversation from the sea meaningless interactions he had on a daily basis was impossible.

He has managed to pull himself together after those first couple of weeks of hopeless despair. He could function, do his job, eat at regular intervals, exercise, repeat. It was the worst at night though, when he couldn't turn off his mind. Her smiling face playing on an endless loop behind his eyes leaving him bereft and drifting.

Traveling now was the last thing Jackson wanted to do. He was at a critical stage in his search for April and the last thing he wanted was to be away from Seattle at this time. But Hunt didn't know that. No one knew he was still looking for April and he wanted to keep it that way.

"I'm sure you can make it without me, Hunt," Jackson replied dismissively, with hope Hunt would forget about him going with him. Putting up with Hunt's cheerful optimism would take more of Jackson's hard won patience than he was to put up with.

"Come on, Avery! When's the last time you saw something other than the inside of this hospital? You need to get out, man!"

"Sorry, Hunt. I'm not interested. You have fun without me though," Jackson replied to the eager man.

"Well, I'm not taking no for an answer! I'll see you tomorrow at 7:00 AM at SeaTac! Don't be late!"

Hunt left before Jackson could argue.

 _Dammit!_

...

* * *

...

Vancouver wasn't so bad, Jackson had to admit. He had been here before, briefly, for a hockey game when he was in college, but he didn't remember the beauty of the city.

The weather was very similar to Seattle with the same overcast skies with sun peeking through the clouds periodically. It was a stunning backdrop to the impressive mountains and views of nature.

 _April_ would love it, came the unbidden thought.

He couldn't help it. Thoughts like that were constantly circulating through his mind without his permission, perking up at the slightest provocation. But he needed them to stop if he wanted to function, and wallowing in longing for his wife would not be productive if he was hoping to get through this trip.

Hunt was already starting to get on his nerves, trying to cajole him into go out for drinks with some of the other doctors here for the conference at the hotel bar. Luckily Jackson was able to come up with a story about a teleconference call he needed to make for the Foundation to get out of it. In reality, Jackson decided to walk the streets and lose himself in the crowds.

Dressed in dark jeans, a grey, fitted Henley, and a black, tailored sweater Jackson absently explored Downtown Vancouver which was bustling with people going about their business in the mild weather.

It was wandering down a random street when he saw her.

Her appearance was so abrupt, Jackson was sure he was imagining her at first as he had so many times before. But this couldn't be another illusion, not this time.

Frozen in his place on the sidewalk Jackson could only gape at the gorgeous vision before him. She was the same, but she was different. Her beautiful red hair was longer than he had ever seen it, sweeping past her delicate shoulders, falling in soft waves down her back. April's usual pale complexion seemed to glow even in the unreliable light, bringing out her fragile features to perfection. Her cute, emerald skater dress hugged her slight curves perfectly and highlighted the biggest change he could see.

Jackson was left speechless, for swelling in the middle of her slender body was the unmistakable shape of a baby bump.

Dumbfounded, all Jackson could do was stare as she walked down the street after exiting the tall building she had just left. It felt like his heart was trying to beat out of his chest. The sound of the people swarming around him on the sidewalk seemed to fade into nothing. All that was left was April and him, together again after such a long time. All that pain and distance fell away and all that was left was the overwhelming love that he had for her, defying all logic and reason. Everything else was inconsequential.

In all his imagings of this moment, this was definitely not one of the ways he thought seeing her again would happen. Most all of his musing took place in a far off country where he had finally tracked her down. He wouldn't hesitate to run to her and she would be overjoyed to see him. They would kiss and ride off into the sunset, vowing to never be parted again.

Jackson almost laughed at his own delusion. Who would have thought he would find her by accident in a city a few hours north from his own, clearly pregnant and going about her life.

It was like someone was playing a cruel joke on him.

Now the thought of approaching her was almost as terrifying as never seeing her again. But he would be damned if he lost her after finally finding her.

Unsticking his feet from the pavement below him, he hurried after the love of his life just before she walked out of sight.

Staying close, but not too close by walking parallel to her on the opposite sidewalk, Jackson kept out of her sight, hoping to find where she was going. He didn't stop himself from greedily taking her in though. The glorious vision of her was like water for a man dying of thirst.

His eyes hungrily took in her baby bump which he could only assume was full of his baby. He hasn't even found it in himself to be mad yet, though he knows the anger will come soon from her keeping it from him. Feelings of _April_ and _pregnancy_ were a complicated topic for him, so he left that untouched in his mind to be thought on and dissected later.

Right now, all he could feel was an overwhelming sense of possessiveness at the fact she was round with _his_ child. April looked so sexy when she was pregnant.

Following her as though in a trance, Jackson almost missed when she stopped in front of an apartment building, using an electronic FOB to enter the towering structure.

Without hesitating, Jackson crossed the street, oblivious to the yells he earned from drivers about his jaywalking and ran up to the building she disappeared into.

Scanning the board of residents Jackson quickly realized that Kepner, A was not one of the people listed. Confused, it took him a moment before it dawned on him that of course her real name wouldn't be listed. Why else would it have been so difficult to find her if she hadn't changed her name.

It left a funny feeling in stomach, the thought of calling April a different name. April was the name his heart knew. April was the name that was synonymous with _love_ to him. It just seemed _wrong_.

Frantically searching the names again, Jackson hoped he could pick out the one she had chosen. They were best friends after all, he should know which would be a name April would pick.

Really, it should be a prerequisite question all spouses should ask their partners.

 _If on the run, what is the name of the alias you would choose?_

Jackson let out a humourless laugh at his own expense and the ridiculousness of his situation but continued to read, hoping for a sign.

 _Anders, T,_ probably not.

 _Donnell, S,_ not likely.

 _Chang, L, highly_ unlikely.

 _Charles, P,_ hmm, maybe?

Impatient, Jackson pressed the buzzer for that apartment, crossing his fingers.

When the voice of an elderly woman answered on the speaker, Jackson hastily apologized to her, disappointment weighing heavily on his shoulders.

Undeterred, he went through more names, pressing the buzzer on few more that seemed promising, only to be let down when stranger after stranger answered his call.

Trying not to drown in despair as he was met by yet another wrong voice, Jackson plunged on, not letting it discourage him.

 _How many people actually live in this building?_

Finally, when he was about to give up and just wait on the sidewalk until she came down again for whatever reason, he saw it.

 _Swan, A._

Unbidden, a smile found its way to his lips.

 _Of course!_

It was so _April._

Thinking back, the first time he heard that story, it wasn't even from her directly. They weren't even really speaking at that time, yet, he remembered being so proud of her when he heard that she stood up for herself in such a spectacular fashion. She couldn't have chosen a more fitting name.

The anticipation was so sweet. All of a sudden, he felt that glorious feeling you get when you know your life is about to change. But, instead of fearing it, like he had in the past, he embraced it, grabbing it with both hands eagerly. He knows now that facing change with April isn't all that scary. In fact, with her, the journey is always more unbelievable and more amazing than anything he could imagine or hope for.

So he pressed the button, ready to jump head first into their new life.

...

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**


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